Learning to Speak (Pray) Again

Before I had babies, I marvelled and (to my shame) scoffed at times, that so many women I met in child-rearing years and beyond couldn't put a coherent, cohesive thought together into a sentence. Words would not come to mind when beckoned, mispronunciations abounded, reverse in words order... I mean, words in reverse order, and more.

AND THEN I BECAME ONE OF THEM. Along about my 3rd baby, the sleepness nights, the hormone surges and the pace of life got to me, too. One day I was speaking with a dear friend, when I heard myself speak. I hope you can follow this in print, "Uh, uhum, yeah, the watchamacallit, well, I was thinking, um, you know, yeah!" And between the sound, the tones, and the gestures I had cobbled together some form of communication. I had gotten my point across, but NOT IN SPEECH. For the first time in months, I really heard myself and it startled me.

I immediately started concentrating harder, forcing myself to compose complete thoughts in my brain before I let my tongue loose. The short story is that, yes, I learned to speak again. In fact, this blog is an extension of that story that pushes me to search the recesses of my brain for just the precise words to express rightly what the Creator has put in my heart.

Now I am determined to learn to pray again. I discovered my lack one morning this week. My version of a prayer while showering -what one friend calls "her thinking time"- was a virtual spot-on repetition of my non-speaking sentence above. I may have been thinking (even that is iffy), but I was not rightly expressing. Although I love Anne Shirley, I am pretty sure that her romantic idea of an open field and "just feeling a prayer" is not Biblical (at least not all the time).

Ann said, "Praying with eyes wide open is the only way to pray without ceasing." And then a few pages later she echoes Annie Dillard who said, "Seeing is of course a matter of verbalization. Unless I call my attention to what passes before my eyes, I simply won't see it."

So if praying without ceasing means praying while seeing, and seeing is a matter of verbalization, then I must have the discipline to verbalize - to focus my thoughts. I have an unfocused prayer life. And the reverse? If I do not verbalize (focus in mind), I will not see, and so will not pray without ceasing? Wasn't this what the Savior asked of the disciples in the garden: WATCH AND PRAY? (Matt. 26:41) The spirit in indeed willing, but the flesh is weak. (26:41 again) My fleshy gray matter between the ears is weak. Spirit, help my spirit to overcome the weakness, to hone the discipline of verbalization, to nail thoughts down, and glue words together to communicate, so I can obey the Savior's words: WATCH AND PRAY.

I want to watch and communicate with God through the white loads that comprise my days. On my small carousel that goes from laundry, to cooking, to schooling, to child-bathing, to dish-washing and around again, I want to see and pray throughout.

God, help me to galvanize my thoughts, help me to talk to You with focus, teach me to express rightly, show me how to pray.